Why Getting Is Better Than Giving

It’s January 2010 and the New Year is in full swing. Now is a popular time to set goals and intentions for the year ahead. In that spirit, if you’re seeking more success and happiness in the coming year, there’s a secret that will make a big difference in your results. This secret is known by only a select few who’ve managed to attain a high level of success and happiness at the same time. When you first hear of this secret, it may make you feel really uncomfortable so bear with me. The secret is this: in order to be successful and happy, you’ve got to get more than you give in all of your key relationships. Sound twisted and backwards? It should at first. Allow me to explain.

In any given population, a normal distribution will show 2 to 3% to be the high achievers. This means you can take 100 top sales people and 2 to 3 will be the best of the best. Or take 100 professional baseball players, and 2 to 3 will be outstanding compared to the rest. However, in an ongoing study of high achievers across all walks of life, Dr. Vance Caesar of the Caesar Group reveals something fascinating: Only 1 out of 10 high achievers rate themselves as happy. Imagine that: if you gather ten thousand top achievers from all walks of life – the rich, the famous, the geniuses – only a handful will also actually consider themselves to be happy.

What gives? Most of us aspire to be more successful. We do so because we believe that having more success will also bring us more happiness. But the data says otherwise. In my own journey to the top of my profession, I found that the more outward success I achieved, the less happy I became. In fact, at one point in my early thirties, I had the experience of attaining everything that I once dreamed of. But instead of feeling elated and happy, I felt burdened, stressed, and beaten down by constant and competing demands. And I wasn’t alone. In my interactions with other executives in the Young Presidents Organization, I found that very few were genuinely happy as well. So how do you have both? How can you attain success and happiness at the same time?

In his research, Dr. Caesar identifies eight attributes that dictate success and happiness. Most of these are fairly easy to recognize and make intuitive sense. They include a driving sense of purpose, a compelling vision and the intrinsic feeling that your work is meaningful. (Note: If you’re ready to cultivate a greater sense of purpose, meaning, and vision in your life and work, the free interactive course 7 Days to Align Your Life for Success is a good first step). Other attributes include beliefs and behaviors that create inner peace, a regular process of the three R’s (review, renewal, and recommitment), and outstanding discipline.

But it turns out that one of the secrets of the top of the top – the tiny fraction that is both successful and happy – is quite surprising: happy high achievers only allow core relationships into their life that give them more than they put into them. In essence, in the key relationships of happy high achievers, including their marriages as well as their relationships with their boards of directors, key staff, and important clients, they get more from the relationship than they give!

When I first learned this secret, it really surprised me. I found it counter-intuitive. I thought, “Wait a minute, isn’t the true joy and meaning of life to give without expectation of return? Doesn’t real satisfaction come from giving to others selflessly? After all, it’s better to give than to receive… and now I’m hearing just the opposite… in order to be successful and happy, it’s better to get than to give. That’s pretty whacked. What’s really going on here?”

But as I thought about it more, it did start to make a lot of sense. In fact, it ties directly into the Physics of Success and it also mirrors my own journey as well as that of my coaching clients. It turns out that at its most elemental level it really is better to get than to give. In fact, if you want both success and happiness, you need to insist on it.

In essence, what happy high achievers recognize is that everything in life is ultimately an exchange of energy. After our health, the single greatest factor that energizes us or depletes us is the quality of our closest relationships. If you’ve ever been in a “vampire” relationship that sucks all of the energy and light out of you, you know it can take days to recover from even a brief encounter. On the other hand, if you have a best friend who always seems to make you feel better, then even a brief encounter can float you higher for days. Recognizing this, happy high achievers make a conscious effort to establish and nurture energizing relationships.

Relationships are a two-way street. In an ineffective relationship, one party gives more energy than they get back. For example, a marriage where one partner feels she is constantly giving more than getting creates resentment. Over time, that resentment builds up and she says, “I’m leaving you because my needs aren’t being met.” In a business setting, the employee who feels he is continually giving more to the company than he is getting in return soon tastes the bitterness of resentment and burnout sinks in. A new ulcer or a new job search is coming soon.

On the other hand, a highly effective relationship is one where both parties are able to give each other what they need and do so in a way that adds to their own energy. For example, a marriage where it’s easy (i.e., low cost of energy) for both partners to meet the needs of the other and both partners feel their needs are being met is a highly successful union. The relationship “just works.” In a business setting, you’ll find a great mutual fit when an employee feels she is getting more from her job than giving to it, and the company feels they are getting more from her than they’re giving in total compensation. The employee’s thinking, “I can’t believe they pay me for this. I would do it for free… can you believe it?” Similarly, the company feels, “She is one of our top performers. She’s always on time, passionate about what she does and performs outstanding work.” The bottom line is that the relationship is net additive, supportive, and energizing to both parties.

As you set your goals and intentions for the next phase of your life, here are a series of exercises that will help you shift your key relationships into ones that are energizing for you and for them, and increase your chances of having both greater success and happiness.

1) Compare and Contrast Them
Make two columns entitled ‘Relationships that Add to My Energy’ and ‘Relationships that Suck My Energy,’ respectively. Under Relationships that Add, write down the names of five relationships that energize you. These are the relationships that “just work.” If every relationship in your life was like the ones on this list, you’d be on cloud 9. Next, under Relationships that Suck, write down five names that deplete you. These are the relationships that cost you energy. They’re hard to deal with, painful to maintain, and cause a lot of friction in your life or work. If every relationship in your life was like the ones on this list, you’d be in hell. Now compare and contrast both lists. What do the Relationships that Add have in common? What do the Relationships that Suck have in common? What can you celebrate and honor in Relationships that Add? What can you take away from Relationships that Suck? What is the learning opportunity here? What would you do differently the next time around? How can you shift your Relationships that Suck? Reviewing and reflecting on each list should give you some powerful insights.

2) Accept Them
Expectation is premeditated disappointment. Often we find ourselves disappointed in relationships because we expect them to be different than they really are. You may want and expect your husband to be attractive, witty, driven, organized, passionate, and a great cook. But outside of your wants and expectations, who is he really? You may find that, when allowed to exist independently of your wants and expectations, he’s lazy, messy, and prefers to eat frozen entrees from the microwave. People are what they are. We create conflict and turmoil when we demand them to be, unconsciously or consciously, different than they are. But when we accept people for who they are, we free up a tremendous amount of energy. Go back to your list of Relationships that Suck and notice how there’s an undercurrent in each one of non-acceptance. Essentially, you’re wanting or wishing each person or entity to be different than it is. “I want my boss to be inspiring and caring but in reality he’s analytical and cold.” “I want my wife to be clean and organized but in reality she’s sloppy and disorganized.” Do you have it in you to accept each core relationship in your life as it is? Do they accept you? Can you accept that they don’t accept you?

3) Give To Them Joyfully
When giving in a relationship, use the feeling of joy as your boundary. If you find yourself doing something because you have to, because it’s expected of you, because no one else will do it, because you need to “fix them,” then you’re losing more energy than you’re getting. But if you’re doing something from a place of joy, with no need or expectation of return, then this energizes both you and them. Give from a place of joy and find the joy in your contribution to others. This is the essence of “it’s better to give than to receive.” And speaking of receiving, one thing high achievers can struggle with is receiving joyfully. Make sure that you’re allowing others to express their talents and gifts in service to you and receive them with a sense of gratitude and honor for their contribution. Giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin and need to be kept in balance if you want success and happiness.

4) Appreciate Them
Go back to your list of Relationships that Suck. What are five qualities that you appreciate about each one? When we take the time to appreciate what is, then we remind ourselves of blessings that we once overlooked. For example, if your job is currently costing you more energy than you get from it, spend time each evening appreciating what you like about your job. Perhaps it’s a paycheck, an opportunity to learn, its closeness to home, career advancement, etc. What we appreciate grows. When we take the time to reflect and appreciate, we uncover subtle but profound changes in how we view our existing relationships and begin to transform them into ones that add even more to our energy and joy. Here’s one appreciation exercise you may enjoy: “21 Things I Appreciate About You.”

5) Let Them Go Gracefully.
Let’s face it – if you’re in a really toxic relationship, often the best thing you can do is to extract yourself from it. But before you pull out the weed whacker and start firing your staff, filing for divorce, or disowning your children, you need to determine if the problem is really them or you. The fact is that every relationship is a mirror. We like and admire others who express qualities that we want to express more of in ourselves. We dislike and belittle others who express qualities in ourselves that we disown or fight against. Go back to your list of Relationships that Suck. What are the qualities in each that you abhor, fight against and resist? Can you begin to accept these qualities more within you? The key signal when it’s time to extract yourself from a toxic relationship is the feeling of grace. If you’re leaving or considering leaving a relationship that costs you more energy than you get back, but you have feelings of guilt, rage, resentment, or bitterness, then there’s more grace to be cultivated. Life is a journey of learning and healing. If you haven’t learned and healed what you need to from this relationship, you’ll find yourself repeating the same relationship in a different form in the near future.

When you identify which relationships add to your energy and which ones drain your energy, you can begin to celebrate those that work and transform those that can work better. And when you set your intention to create relationships that energize both parties, you’ll make a noticeable shift in your success and happiness.

Here’s wishing you greater success and happiness in 2010!